Brazil 2014 will be the first World Cup dominated by twitter.
Not the first World Cup of the twitter age, but the first since twitter became an unstoppable juggernaut thundering through every town and city on earth.
For those who despair of the idiocy and indiscretion that drag down the positive side of this social phenomenon, a World Cup consumed by twitter commentary could be a depressing thought. It could be yes, but it’s a New Year. A happy New Year. A World Cup year for goodness sake. So let’s at least try and have some fun with it – let me predict how the first World Cup week will unfold in June on twitter.
Day 1: Sepp Blatter hits his excited schoolboy/FIFA President button:
Welcome to the greatest show on earth! Welcome to Brazil! Could there be better hosts than five-time winners! cannot wait for tonight!
FIFA’s Secretary General is slightly less happy clappy;
Congratulations to all who have worked tirelessly to get us ready in time. Stadiums resplendent. magnificent tournament awaits. #Brazil2014
The formal respect, and 140 characters, don’t quite capture the major concerns of the past few years. Encapsulated by Valcke’s infamous need to kick Brazilian butt with a couple of years to go. But the opening game between Brazil in Croatia in the mercifully completed Arena de São Paulo frustrates the twitter neutrals after a goalless opening hour:
wot no goals? Dis World Cup suckz. 🙁
Neymar? more like Lame-ar. get him off and get @rightsaidFred on. Come on Brasil, match needs goooooooooooooooals.
@knowall puts them right
I said people shouldn’t expect an easy Brazil win. I said that. It’s later in the tournament that counts. #momentum
A minute later Neymar scores the only goal of game:
Neymar scored with deft finish. Bra 1 Cro 0. Hasn’t been easy but I did sense Brazil were about to score.
Day 2 is one for the muscle flexing TV rights holders:
THREE World Cup matches today. Don’t miss a thing with our exclusively exclusive coverage. #FeastofFootball
And one for the armchair fans;
If anyone finks i am working today they can fink again.
Day 3 takes us to the Manaus for the big game between England and Italy. The wags have a field day. No not the wives and girlfriends, the twitter punsters, who spend most of their lives looking for a half-decent one-liner:
Welcome to the jungle! Wonder if @axlrose is watching from @paradisecity
Looks hot and sweaty there in the jungle but it can’t be that hot because FIFA would never allow a World Cup in those conditions. Would they?!
Fantastic @louisvuitton bag sale in Manaus. short walk from banana plantation thing. 🙂
And talking of wags, the off the pitch drama unfolds as David Beckham stumbles in his customised havaianas and hurts his toe. The twitter dramarati respond with interest:
OMG. Just heard news. @davidbeckham hurt in Brazil. shocked and saddened. 🙁
Four matches on day four. Before they get underway the man for whom this will be the defining tournament has an important message:
for all my fans who want to know what boots i am wearing tonite here’s a pic! Hope we beat Bosnia tonight.
While Lionel is serious and has an honest crust to earn, the search for the one-liner continues:
I know @leoMessi is brilliant but why Argentina having to play two teams at once tonite?
Proper (genuinely funny) humour might actually come on day 5 from parody site @usasoccerguy with hundreds and thousands of followers. It plays on the ignorance of American knowledge of football. They play Ghana in the evening. And if you haven’t see it, it’s this kinda thing:
Huge game for US of A at @soccerlympics tonite, local derby v Guyana. Those guys sure got plenty to pick from.
But lots of attention on a dazzling star of 2013 whose Portugal team start their World Cup game with a gentle little game v Germany:
for all my fans who want to know what boots i am wearing tonite. here’s a pic! Hope we beat Germany!
Day 6 brings out the news comment beasts. The casual football fans clinging in the World Cup for dear life as they know people will be even less interested in their opinions (prejudices) on, well, anything and everything. Though are still not entirely sure which Korea qualified:
Korea v Russia? two huge powers do battle. Strictly controlled state v……Korea!!!!!
watching Russia reminds me that one day FIFA really should play a World Cup there. Oh they are! #2018 #FIFA #notashotasQatar
By day 7 wild excitement has been completely replaced by despair and doom in England after their lacklustre first match and on the eve of facing Uruguay.
Some three lions fans lose their roar:
bring them home. Disgrace innit.
some are more considered but pompous:
the grass roots are not there. You cannot have a strong premier league and national team. Players not good enough.
While others are desperate:
hey @AshleyCole. #putSuarezinyourpocket
failing that hold your arm out and invite a bite. HA.
And so, as eccentric English comedian Harry Hill says: ‘you get the idea with that.’
And while I may be no Harry Hill, particularly since I ditched my glasses, the ‘funny thing’ is this parody honestly won’t be a million miles from the reality of the twitter ‘noise’ that will provide the soundtrack to Brazil 2014.
And no amount of samba drums will drown it out. LOL!
Lee Wellings is the Sports Correspondent for Al Jazeera English based in London. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow Lee on twitter @LeeW_Sport